Babe, my sweet love, 6 months ago today.
My heart is still split in half and everyday I long to hear your hearty laugh and feel your big beautiful hug in a tangible way but have to resign myself to this new way of us being together. It’s not enough but it’s what I have. 6 months I have limped, crawled, walked and often laid in fetal position unable to move on this heartbreaking journey. Time is odd now. It feels like only seconds ago my heart was crushed with the gut-wrenching news brought to me that sunny beautiful May morning and yet it also feels so so long ago since I held you for that last time as you got on the ferry with your big ol grin to begin your 18th season as a guide, so excited to get back to fishing, to Haida, to your other home. Had I known that would be my last hug I would have held on longer- I wouldn’t have let go. 6 months.
But Babe I also want you to know I am ok. I am. Incredibly kind people have bravely stepped into my world of grief and held me when you couldn’t. I don’t know how I could have walked this alone. The ebbs and flows of kindness have carried me in this storm. And your kids are ok too Pookey. They are. They’ve had to learn things no one ever wants their babies to learn but they have~ and they are gently taking care of themselves and each other. They love each other so tenderly and so fiercely. I’m so grateful they have each other. And they have kind loving partners who courageously dive into their loss and pain and wrap them up in loving accepting arms. And they have friends who haven’t forgotten them, who bring them back into life again, who remind them what it is to smile. I so wish I could wave a magic wand and take away their hurt but I can’t. I can only be with them and love them big, and I do.
Babe, I can’t find words enough to express my immense gratitude to the many many many friends and family near and far who have helped me these past six months ~ who have reached out, shared meals, offered help, cleaned gutters, brought kind mementos, towed trucks, sat by the fire with me, sent Haida fish, repaired leaks, shared memories, walked miles (and miles and miles!!) of trails with me, brought me to ceremony, held me close in my grief when I couldn’t imagine a tomorrow without you, helped me with the overwhelming business and reality tasks that come with death, reminded me how to breathe again, bravely sat with me and witnessed my immense sorrow ~ shared tea and tears, laughter and pain, silence and sobbing. I have been so blessed, by so many, in so many ways. I am not alone Babe. Good good people have been so generous with their time and love. It’s a kaleidoscope of humans, who in their own ways are helping me find me. It’s a patchwork quilt of different people in different ways covering me with warmth and love. And it’s my loving Creator and all my ancestors carrying me, helping me, guiding me, standing behind me. And it’s you my love, always you, holding me, loving me. I love you Buckwheat. So much. As we said in the beginning when we shared our vows and committed to forever together ~ ‘Forever and ever and always to come’ Babe. Forever my love.
